How to be a Man February 4, 2006 - Saturday 3:56 PM

Having experienced 20 years of being a constituent of the male species (Yes, men and women are not in any way, shape, or form a part of the same species.  Men are a species of logic and reasoning, women are a species of emotional irrationalism.), I have carefully observed and learned the prescripts (or shit you better do in order to not get your ass beat).  Unlike women, who backstab, cry, suck dick, scream, suck dick, produce delirious drama, suck dick, lie, suck dick, and lead lives as if they were muses, men operate, or should at least, under a certain code.  That code is as follows:

I. Bros Before Hoes:

     This cannot be stressed enough.  Girlfriends come and go.  Your boys will be there to see you engage in numerous amounts of silly relationships with silly bitches.  And, they will always be there for you when you are ready to pursue other means of nani.  Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.

II. Always ask if it's ok to drink the last beer:

     In most cases, your friends will say it's ok.  Otherwise, a simple rock paper scissors game will suffice.

III. If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time… or 2012:

     1.  Was an ex-girlfriend of a friend.
     2.  Your friend specifically told you he wanted her, and liked her.
     3.  She is your homie's sister. However, if she is your homie's cousin, not only is she fair game, but you are officially encouraged by me to go hence forth and rub it in his face for years to come.  (Sorry Gzuz)

IV. You must never own a cat, ever.

V. If you get two tickets to a big game, the priority list for the second ticket is as follows:

     1.  Your best friends (in order of how long you have known them)
     2.  Your acquaintances
     3.  Your co-workers
     4.  Some broad you are hoping to terrorize
     5.  The mailman
     6.  NASA
     7.  The UPS guy
     8.  Your dog
     9.  George Bush
     ....1,234,940.  Your current girlfriend

VI. There are no mercy rules when playing someone in madden, ball, poker, bare-fisted boxing, etc.

VII. It's alright to cheat at any game where money isn't involved.

     With that being said, it's safe to classify most relationships as "games."

VIII. When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend

     Unless she is dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that's the case, make it quick.

IX. Play poker, and do it well.

X.  Bros before hoes:

     I told you that this couldn't be stressed enough, didn't I?  It's such a travesty to see a perfectly decent young man fall victim to fagdom for letting his bitch rule his life and cut him off from all that is holy (w00t).

More rules to be added upon further research...